I also used this place to comment, although vaguely, on some certain experiences. Not so much a journal or diary like comment, more of a ‘this is what I’m thinkin’….. and only those closely involved would know what I was talking about.  I liked that for a while. Now I just don’t know.

I forget more often than not that there are people out in the world that actually do read my blog! No one has ever been more surprise by this than I am. I forget that what I am writing about, no matter how vague may make someone think, “Oh, he’s talking about XYZ”! I am amused how some people think, no matter how vague, that I am writing about them. I am disappointed when the person I am writing about, to, misses it completely.

I suppose I could stop being vague but that opens up a whole ‘nother squishy, squiggly can of worms. Slander, defamation, liable, blah, blah, blah. Not worth it.

So,  what the hell am I writing about? Oh, yea! I was thinking that I need to stop being so open about stuff even when vague as hell about it. After all, there are people reading this. The decision is really this; do I care who sees this or not? Does it make any difference? More importantly, will I alter the way I write and what I write about because of it?  “it ” being those readers that I may or may not know are taking it in.

At the moment, I don’t care. I don’t care who reads what I think or feel. I don’t care if someone is hurt by my words because they think it is about, or to them personally. I don’t care if they miss the point even when it is pointed right at them.

I write for me. To excise my dark parts. To get them out. To continue to move forward in my program. I got lost along the way last time. And when I did, I stopped writing. I held everything inside and eventually, it came to life and began to devour me from the inside.

I’m back to fight back.

I am sure it is value to others as well. As sure as I am of that, I am sure they will not see it.

“Excuses are just another form of lying”. There it is. Simple. The rest of the conversation, presentation on this thought was pretty long. I am going to paraphrase and hope I keep the parts that made me want to remember it.

In the long run, whatever we do, we do by choice. Because we chose to do it. Period.  When someone asks you, “Why did you do ‘that’”? The proper answer is, “Because I chose to”.

Most people will instead launch into some form of an explanation. They will give an answer that is full of reasons for it. Some things are truly valid, believable, honest reasons.  These are usually the kind of things that no one needs, seeks an explanation for.  Exp: “Why did you pull the rip cord on your parachute”? “So I would not bounce on off the ground”.

It is the other things, the lessor obvious things that we turn to excuses for. The difference between a reason and an excuse is sometime very slight and difficult to see. There is however, a difference. Usually the one, the person giving it is the only one that does not see or hear it.

Why are you an addict? Why do drink so much? Why are you a liar? Why are you a cheater? Why do you behave like a slut? Why are you thief?  These are the kind of questions that have few reason but lots of excuses. Lots.

Taking the available information at hand, using it, abbreviating, twisting, embellishing or deleting, whatever it takes to rationalize your behavior. That is what makes an excuse a lie. Takes if down, degrades it from a reason to an excuse. When the true information is manipulated in anyway to make the rationalization work, it becomes false information and the excuse therefore, a lie.

I never thought much about it before, certainly not in this way. Why am I, do I, did I? Because I chose to. There are few reasons for much of it. There are many, many, many excuses. So much information presented in a way to rationalize my behavior. Maybe I am trying as hard to make it make sense to me as I am trying to make it makes sense to anyone else.

I like to look at it like this. Not only because it makes me look at my actions in a different light, it makes me look at ‘yours’ differently as well. Mostly because of all the excuses I have heard over the years, all the times I was to blame, I was the excuse for someone else’s actions make more sense to me. I chose to do what I did. You chose to do what you did.

Period.

Stop lying to me. Stop lying to yourself. I’ill do the same.

Looking at the excuses also makes it easier to look at the habits, the things that are re-occurring. Looking at those I hope will make the habits more clear, the basis of those habits more accessible. In turn, I hope to use that information to break some of the less healthy, unproductive habits. Change, get rid of those and I will not need excuses for my behavior, actions. I will either have reasons or simply say, “because I chose to”.

Give it a try.

I am not the right age. I am not monied. I am not educated. I am not succesful.

I am just who I am, what I have become by waking up each day since my birth. Too many times for some people.

If I was wealthy, I mean, really wealthy, none of the other things would matter.

If I was younger, they would matter only half or possibly even only third as much.

Oh well. I am not.

Even you, who say it doesn’t matter, have already made up your mind. For all the same reasons.

There is a part of me that feels the same as they do. Probably even more so. You see, I know me. I have something to base my hatred of self on. I have seen what I have and have not done in this life. I know what I am deserving of.

I try to be angry with them for judging. All I can really do is laugh at how feeble and weak their hatred is compared to mine.

Why am I here? Why do I put myself in this situation?

Perhaps I just love to be hated.

adjective, -ti·er, -ti·est.

2.improper, tasteless, indecorous, or indecent: a naughty word

3. Obsolete . wicked; evil.

Related forms:   naugh·ti·ly, adverb,   naugh·ti·ness, noun

Synonyms :   1.  willful, wayward, misbehaving.

First, let me apologize to all of you who were expecting (looking for?) something “naughty”. This is not it. Well, I say that in only the first sentence. It may well be very naughty before I consider it complete. You see, this isn’t about ‘something’ naughty, or ‘someone’ naughty it is about ‘NAUGHTY’!

All languages are made up of words, the English one being just choke full of the damn things with more being introduced every year. There are multiple words for just about everything thing you can think of. There are words that do nothing but describe other words. Words that alone would be useless, relying on more words to be more than just a stain on a page. There are many really great words that make even the most basic, inane thing seem glorious.  Words that can cut and words that can heal, inspire and destroy, build up or tear down.

There are just a bunch of freaking words.

However, I have come to the conclusion that topping my top ten favorite words must be the word Naughty.

The dictionary form up above may give some little bit of information on this magnificent word but not anywhere near enough to truly capture the potential and grandeur of the word.

Say it with me now – Naughty.

How did that make you feel? What did you think? Did you  smile or smirk, chuckle or giggle? Did  you wonder why you said it aloud when you know damn well I was not saying it with you?

The thing is, this word conjures up all kinds of feelings, emotions in every person that hears or says it. Sure it has a definition and a proper place to be used. BUT – this is a truly gifted word my friends. A chameleon of words if you will allow me to go so far.  A true gift to the mouth and mind.

What other word could be used to describe not eating a vegetable OR having sex with a vegetable? Naughty does not have to be sexual but, it tends to make it there sooner than later. I didn’t see any reason to sugar coat it.  You can give some one a naughty wink or whisper a naughty suggestion. Done with smile it means one thing.  A smirk something else and a Nick Nolte DUI Mug shot look/expression takes it to another level entirely.

Naughty can be good, fun, exciting, exhausting or criminal. It can begin as any of these and become another or run through them all like an obstacle course.  Naughty can be whatever the ‘user’ wants it to be!

That is what makes this my favorite word. I can have a naughty good desert or a naughty walk. I can give you a naughty wink or naughty glare. A naughty caress or naughty spanking. I can love the naughty nature of something or hate the naughty attitude of someone.

Yea, I know some of you that actually know this language will say it all means the same thing but I gotta tell ya, yer wrong! Naughty is a word that changes with every utterance – wholly dependent on tone, inflection, gesture, body language.

I love my love of this word as much as I love my naughty thoughts about it!

Thank you for listening.

All I fucking wanted was dinner!

One thing I do know, I am sleeping better. Not longer, just better. When I was still taking a chemical anti-depressant I was sleeping like a normal person, eight or so hours. Now that I am using *natural things to temper/alter/change the moods, I am back to sleeping only five or six restless hours.  If of course, kitty lets me sleep.

Kitty has come to the startling conclusion that I am dirty. Not only am I dirty but she, the female head of house-hold has taken it upon herself to make sure that I am cleansed. This amazing show of affection and care is actually heartwarming. It helps to offset still nagging feelings of being in this place alone when it was meant for two.

However, kitty has yet to grasp the idea that sleeping at night, all night or, as much night as possible is  a good thing. (Did you know that cats need some crazy number of hours of sleep, 12 – 14  hours or more?!)  Kitty likes to ‘check’ and see if I am still breathing on a regular schedule. To do this, she will find my face, take a deep solid stance as if she were about to blitz from the  strong safety position, and stick her nose close to if not right into my mouth.

Now, her new thing is to, once she is sure I am breathing (obvious by my trashing about) she waits for me to settle again and then, begins to groom me. Depending on the position I end up after removing her nose from my mouth, it how she decides what to groom. Now, it just feels freaking weird to be licked by a cat even once. But to have a large swatch of your head licked is another thing all together.

I don’t mean some little lick or two, I mean she is GROOMING me and does not stop until I physically make her move. It is getting disturbing. The really weird part is when she decides to start on my eyebrows. First – this HURTS! Kitty’s got a rough damn tongue!  Adding to this freakish behavior, sometimes she feels the need to stop licking and start biting. Biting my eyebrows as if they were trying to get away from her! (if only) This hurts! Not only does it hurt, it is creepy!

None of these behaviors of hers will happen when there is sun in the sky. Usually it is 3:30 to 4:00. She has a crazy body clock. Now, mine is beginning to mimic hers. Now, if she does not wake me by 4:30, I am wake up and worry. Oh my goodness what happened to kitty?

NOTHING! she was asleep near my feet. Until I woke up of course. Now she wants to be pet. Now she wants to clean me. Now she wants to attack my feet and I fidget and try to get back to sleep. NOW, this has become a habit for us both.

Kitty is my buddy and my joy. My housemate and confidante. I love her and truly treasure her company.

But kitty please, STOP LICKING ME!

* Omega-3′s from fish oil and flax-seed oil as well as Vitamin B complex. Supposed to help with depression.

So, day three and home kinda doing nothing but more than that, not making any effort to do anything. Lucked into another full day of work. Came home and had pasta with super-on-sale (means about to expire) pre-made meatballs.  As you can tell I am still working on the healthy ascetic diet.

So, trying to be ok at home alone with a crappy internet connection and little else to occupy my rather busy mind.  This led me to go over my notes from my last wonderful road trip to Kemmerer WY. While I could go on about the entire trip, I choose to complete just one of many rambling thoughts, ideas I jotted down along the way.

Primarily this, some places have some curious names. More have those generic names that show little creativity. Table Rock, Red Rock, Snake River, Silver City, Weed Patch, Eagle Point, etc etc etc.  A quick look around and you can see why this place or that place has this or that name.

Then I came across this, The Virgin River. OH MY! Fortunate for me, the road crossed the virgin more than once giving me the opportunity to find a safe place to pull over, exit the vehicle and go peer over the edge down upon the virgin.  While I stood there watching the cool water wind around the bend and passed my feet, I started to wonder, how the heck did this place get its name?

Before I could really come up with anything I began to wonder, perhaps if I jumped into the virgin,  I would have a little more of my own virgin back when I climbed out of the chilly water. Or perhaps (better yet even) I should grab my rod and reel and cast into a quite spot. Oh yea, see about hooking me a virgin of my own! Better yet, fish from the shallows to get both, my own virgin back and a new one too!

I never did come up with how or why this river had such a name. I did however have a great time thinking about it.

AVY II

Asceticism (from the Greek: ἄσκησις, áskēsis, “exercise” or “training”) describes a lifestyle characterized by abstinence from various sorts of worldly pleasures often with the aim of pursuing religious and spiritual goals.

I am not doing this because of any of the above. I am doing this because I am broke. Taking my lead from a hindu dude that eats only the rice people give him, I am embarking on an adventure to do with less and with out. This will be easier than doing with more, more than enough and with too much as, the these all need funding.

This is not something I  just decided to do. I have worked towards it for a while by not working enough. To say I am ‘embracing’ the situation would not be correct. I’ve no choice but to live with/on what I got since the ‘get more’ option has not worked at all.

Some things are easier than others to do without.  An example of easy; cable TV, phone, internet – gone. Lucky to have reckless neighbors with open wifi.  Also why I am not always quick to respond to your email. Not always available.

Example of not so easy; no mental health professional or medication. Without TV to occupy the mind, and with the mind  now allowed to have a mind of its own, time alone in a this room can be decidedly wicked and difficult.

Example of easy; not paying some bills. Not that it is easy to not live up to an obligation but, when there is nothing left to dole out, not doling is not hard.

Example of not so easy; not eating right, well or as much as the body is wanting. Being hungry sucks. Being hungry looking at a TV that is not on in the dark because electricity cost money fucking sucks.

I have been “blessed” (excuse me while I gag on that comment) with the metabolism of a chipmunk. I can consume a large quantity of food not gain weight. To some, this would be a blessing. It is its own challenge, I assure you. Food costs money. Good food costs even more. And I am not going filet, lobster, high-end good, I am talking about food that is not poison.

Processed, chemical filled crap that is more poison than nutrition is what  you find when trying to eat on less than $5.00 a day. The challenge now has become how to not eat this crap while getting down to $4.00 a day. Especially challenging when I need to consume 3000 to 3400 calories a day to keep up my weight. Yes, that is correct. For those of you who count calories to not gain or to lose, I have to do so to not lose.  Few things are as aggravating as having some fuck accuse you of  ‘being on the shit’ because you look sickly thin because you have  not eaten enough to satisfy your metabolism.

What the fuck am I talking about? Good question. Someone asked me what an ascetic was, why I am calling myself one. Because I am living the way I am living and it is doing without what used to be common and almost mandatory comforts. Because as long as I am stuck in this fucking lease on an apartment I was stupid to move into, I am going to be doing without.

I hope to be able to start writing about what I have found, how to do well, eat well, cook well and HEALTHY for $4.00 a day.  Brown rice and frozen veggies work but there must be more! I will share when I find it.

Oh, the rambling is a by-product of being on day two of new round of sobriety as well as day two no coffee. Coffee is a luxury.

I am thinking more along the lines of today being day one, again. I have had  more than one first day. None has been any better or worse than any others, until this one. This one is the worst first since my first first. I have attempted to begin this day eight or ten times now. For some reason I feel like I can actually say, today is the day. I am opening myself up to complete failure on not just a personal level but now, also a public one. Yippee!

The thing that makes this first the top of low-end of firsts is why I am here having to do it. How did it come to pass that I would throw away all the progress I had made in ten years of trying to extract a digit and in two short years, rat fuck my life with what to some seemed mindful intention?

Simple, I believed I was doing something worth doing. I cannot say I believe I was doing the right thing. That would be a lie, one I ignored when told to myself. Yea, I was doing what I thought I wanted to do. Drinking the cool-aid and loving every drop of it.

So, here I am, the few friends I still have lost most (if not all) respect for me. My actions are worthy of their derision. Can you really gain back someones respect? I wonder. That’s like telling the jury to disregard something. No one forgets. No one.

I have fucked myself financially by getting into something because I believed it was going to bring a change, one that I wanted and would bring happiness. Ya know, follow the dream! Set a goal, reach for it! Well, I did that. Just didn’t look far enough ahead, up to the part where I was the only one still reaching and dreaming.

Ten years of school (yea, I’m kinda slow) to get to the point that I could be my boss! My own biz! Another yippee! Well, that was a good idea except these things take time. Just because you have a license and a business card does not mean you have or will have business.  But, why not take the big step when you have backing, support, partnership to help you through that rough start-up part?  Because no one will really be there in the end. It was my thing and I fucked it up all by myself.  Lesson learned, never make a decision that takes into account someone else coming through.

Then, to make is all a complete a total collapse, I let myself believe it was not only ok, but would be a good thing to share some wine with someone. Why not? After all, it as what they wanted and all I wanted was to make them happy! Really. I thought I would be ok. I knew better. I know better now too. Still, believing and wishing and dreaming, living way out in the future with no regard for the moment. Sip. Sip. Pour.

So, here I am at day one, again. Three and a half  years thrown away. The future is not a good place to spend to much time. Right here, right now is much closer, easier to grasp.

Really two complete years wasted on a dream that was never even mine in the first place. Two years that I would love to have back. Or, at least to have wiped from my memory, never to have to look at again or feel any part of again.  Unfortunately the damage will take years (if I have any left) to repair.

The long memories of acquaintances will not let me forget. My own memory had spoiled and tainted so many places and things I cannot escape any of it for more than a few minutes. Even oatmeal has been ruined by association.

Let the day begin, day one, starting over from scratch. No mental health professional to guide me, not medication to tame me, to idea where the next meal will come from of when the pay or quite notice will be nailed to the front door. I am, happy to be heading out on my own today. Alone. I want this to be alone. I’ve had quite enough of being un-alone.  Quite enough of believing, trusting and wondering.

Day one, all fucking over again. I would love to count the days until I had forgotten it all completely but then that would just be one more thing to keep it all fresh, one more thing I don’t need to keep ruining the moment with the shitty past.

What ever I learned from wasting two years and ruining my life has yet to become clear.  Think I will just start with not drinking today, the next few hours.

Attraction? Sure, there is attraction. It is a chemical response in the brain formed by the base animal brain to procreate. When someone feels an attraction to someone else, it is usually a deep, primal response. After all, the primary thing any living organism wants to do is reproduce. We’re animals right? Making more animals is what we are here for.

What of this think called love then? How did this happen? What part of the supposedly higher order brain of ours created this fucked up idea? To what end does love offer anything to the species? None. Hey Darwin, thoughts?

Seven year itch is most likely also a chemical, physiological response. OK – the pup is 7 and time to move on to make more pups with some other gene pool. Nothing to do with falling out of love. Not about who did, who said, who changed. All about more pups  and diversity of the product.

What really amazes me is the use of the word/theme/idea/goal/explanation of love by atheists. Love cannot hold up to any of demands they put on the proof of a god they say will convince them. But, many of them believe and act on the idea of love.

Can’t measure it, can’t see it, can’t taste it, can’t prove it in any way. I would venture a guess that love is 3rd or 4th in line of reasons for terrible things being done to one human being to another, or many others. Could move up in line if you went with Love Of Country, Love Of Race, Love Of God. That would make love the number one cause of death and misery world-wide.

What’s that, you ‘feel’ love? The same way someone ‘feels’ the presence of god, a dead relative, an animal guide or simply the voices in their head to be real. You’ve ‘seen love in action? I repeat the latter with ‘seen’ in place of ‘love’.

But wait, you ‘believe’ in love so it must be real. Go ahead, follow through on your own. I am sure you know where this is going.

I feel particularly bad for those that say God is Love. HA! Could go on and on about this one.

“When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called *religion.” -  Robert, Pirsig.  This comment is championed by Richard Dawkins, the current ‘god’ of atheism. I believe you could simply replace the word God with Love and The God Delusion would make just as much sense.

So, do me a favor, Do Not tell me you love me. Not only are your actions so much louder than your words when based on your deluded belief in love but, I happen to know there is not such thing as love.

Your attempts to convert me to your *religion are offensive

Peace and Love,

A.V.